Soul Surfer...I Am Not!

As connected as I am with the seaside, I have not managed several water activities. One is to water-ski (the concept of strapping on two pieces of thin wood and expecting them to hurl my large mass gracefully, while skimming the water, borders on the lines of impossible)! Another obstacle is simply the fact that I do not know how to swim properly. In fact, having to be retrieved from the deep end of a pool when I was 10 instilled in me that I had learned to be a rock, rather than a starfish. This all leads to the anxiety I am harbouring concerning our planned sea sports and activities. We have booked a snorkeling tour and all I can imagine is my body bloating like a puffer fish and then deflating to the bottom of the ocean. As we will be vacationing in Hawaii, the surfing capitol of the world, I figured it would be a brilliant idea to at least give it a go. I have prepared myself for the worst - I watched, clutching a pillow, the nail biting, inspirational movie, Soul Surfer, which saw pro surfer Bethany Hamilton lose an arm to a beast of a shark! I have taken my ironing board and placed it in my living room, balancing myself precariously, while swaying my Kardishan bottom to the melody of The Del-Tinos, Surfer School. I have waxed the bathtub to give it just a slight edgy experience of me learning proper poise. Note to self: inform spouse of this! Even though I have prepared for our holiday and I dream of skimming the ocean waves with my board, the reality is I foresee myself as the Hulk. My mass of a body bashing the waves with my clenched fists, as my torn shorts ride up my bottom. Thus, instilling fears of me losing my bikini top to the water gods or worst...the unseen forces from LOST! One thing is certain, should I go 'down' in the open waters and need help...it should not be too hard to spot a colossal green mass shouting CRASH! BOOM! BANG!